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Elephants Make Poor Salads By Benjamin Cohen The thing was, we were low on staff, and one morning when I walked in someone had slipped a resume under the door. He said he was big and gray and wanted to be a sous chef. We had an opening in salads, so I brought him in. The zoo had closed a few months earlier and I guess he'd been out of work since then. A lot of grazing and moping, is what I heard. He started off on house salads. All of them do. Then we usually bring them up to Caesar, and maybe Cobb after that. It takes a while to get to blackened catfish or jerk chicken. But he never even made it to Cobb. It was a mess. He blamed the hairnet, and the 'obtrusive' tusk-net we had to fashion. I blamed his consistent tardiness, and lack of opposable thumbs. He cried discrimination. I said hey hey hey, just a sec, big guy. No way, no how, not in my kitchen. Just last year we had a guy from the Midwest working in here, so don't tell me about discrimination, 'kay? Elephants make poor salads. During the holidays we are always experimenting, yes. You see how we are, yes? Sometimes, how do you say, errr, we get new ingredients to try out, and so, uhrr, we do these. I thought a dash of chipped tusk, to replace of the bacon bits, these might be a nice texture. I said to my cooks I said we try to peel the top layers of skin, a nice counterpoint to the, what is it?, yes, the romaine and redleaf we are always with, no? If we layer these, layer with a red sauce, and mince the tail hairs, this might be nice. It is the holidays, no? The people, they want these new dashing ideas. I had this fantastique spice blend from the alligator salad of last year, and I thought, this is nice, right on the elephant salad. I saute, what is it, nugget you say? these small pieces of elephant liver. This is nice, no? Mwah! I think, what a treat. The customers, they do not like. Elephants, make poor salads! Get in here get in here get in here. Allllllright, we've got a job to do and we've only got so much time. Do you hear me, you elephants? You, do you hear me?! You know the drill, you know the menu. At Oh Ten Hundred we are to Get these salads over to The Soup Kitchen! Are you listening to me pachyderm?! Are you?!!! The poor folks say they want soup AND salad. The bleeding heart dems in city hall say give it to 'em. I will not defy an order. You will not either. Get these salads together. You, pachy, you African, you Babar, in line. Assembly line fashion elephants. Do it. Do it do it do it. Now! Are there any questions? Yes, you may skimp at will. These are poor salads. They are for the poor. No, you are NOT to spice them up. You are NOT to personalize. You are to moooove IT. No dressing, no radishes. Lettuce, carrot slices only. Every third gets a piece of celery. They are puhreeee-Packaged! Take them out, sort them in. Let's go elephants. Gotta get you back to the reserve by Eeeee-leven hundred. If you would like to link to this story, please use this link. | ||
