Elephants Make Poor Salads
The thing was, we were low on staff, and one morning when I walked in
someone had slipped a resume under the door. He said he was big and gray
and wanted to be a sous chef. We had an opening in salads, so I brought
him
in. The zoo had closed a few months earlier and I guess he'd been out of
work since then. A lot of grazing and moping, is what I heard. He
started off on house salads. All of them do. Then we usually bring them
up to
Caesar, and maybe Cobb after that. It takes a while to get to blackened
catfish or jerk chicken. But he never even made it to Cobb. It was a
mess. He blamed the hairnet, and the 'obtrusive' tusk-net we had to
fashion. I blamed his consistent tardiness, and lack of opposable thumbs.
He cried
discrimination. I said hey hey hey, just a sec, big guy. No way, no how,
not in my kitchen. Just last year we had a guy from the Midwest working
in here, so don't tell me about discrimination, 'kay?
Elephants make poor salads.
During the holidays we are always experimenting, yes. You see how we
are,
yes? Sometimes, how do you say, errr, we get new ingredients to try out,
and so, uhrr, we do these. I thought a dash of chipped tusk, to replace
of
the bacon bits, these might be a nice texture. I said to my cooks I said
we
try to peel the top layers of skin, a nice counterpoint to the, what is
it?,
yes, the romaine and redleaf we are always with, no? If we layer these,
layer with a red sauce, and mince the tail hairs, this might be nice. It
is
the holidays, no? The people, they want these new dashing ideas. I had
this
fantastique spice blend from the alligator salad of last year, and I
thought, this is nice, right on the elephant salad. I saute, what is it,
nugget you say? these small pieces of elephant liver. This is nice, no?
Mwah! I think, what a treat. The customers, they do not like.
Elephants, make poor salads!
Get in here get in here get in here. Allllllright, we've got a job to do
and we've only got so much time. Do you hear me, you elephants? You,
do
you hear me?! You know the drill, you know the menu. At Oh Ten Hundred
we
are to Get these salads over to The Soup Kitchen! Are you listening to
me
pachyderm?! Are you?!!! The poor folks say they want soup AND salad.
The
bleeding heart dems in city hall say give it to 'em. I will not defy an
order. You will not either. Get these salads together. You, pachy,
you
African, you Babar, in line. Assembly line fashion elephants. Do it.
Do
it do it do it. Now! Are there any questions? Yes, you may skimp
at
will. These are poor salads. They are for the poor. No, you are NOT
to
spice them up. You are NOT to personalize. You are to moooove IT. No
dressing, no radishes. Lettuce, carrot slices only. Every third gets a
piece of celery. They are puhreeee-Packaged! Take them out, sort them
in.
Let's go elephants. Gotta get you back to the reserve by Eeeee-leven
hundred.
Benjamin Cohen contributes to McSweeneys.net and The Mills Review, among others. He subscribes to two monthly magazines and a weekly.