My Organ Donor Card: Annotated
HEART
Should it not be the organ that landed me here, I say have at it.
More or less, it worked pretty well. But, should you somehow hear
otherwise, perhaps while passing by the hospital waiting room and
overhearing someone loudly proclaim that donating my heart would be
"medically impossible because that rat bastard didn't have one,"
please disregard. No, bitter exes who clearly suffer from an undiagnosed
bipolar disorder and sabotaged an otherwise decent relationship by
putting a lot of pressure to move in together when one of us clearly
wasn't ready to take that step should be completely ignored. In fact,
should you ever find yourself attending to this person, who, as fate
would have it, is in dire need of a heart transplant, please consider
it the wishes of a dying (dead?) man if you would dangle my heart
in front of this person's frantic eyes and whisper, "Hmm, so
you need a heart? Well, I guess that makes two of you then."
Also, was my death ruled "accidental"? Because, if so, you
might want to poke around a little further.
BRAIN
Sure. Didn't win any Nobel prizes, but why not. And should the recipient
have any doubts, just pat them on the forehead and tell them, "If
it was good enough for the Florida State Univ. admissions department,
it's good enough for you."
LIVER
Don't bother. Really.
CORNEAS
This means eyes, right? Well if so, they're a total score for whoever
receives them. As you should be able to tell (barring some "accidental"
acid-related attack), I have absolutely stunning green eyes. Two shiny
emerald pools you just want to dive into. Seriously, you should have
seen them in the hazy glow of late fall/early winter sunset. Man,
did they pop! Anyway, I must insist that they be placed with someone
special. Someone with the bone structure and rugged charm to really
complement these beauties. Now, I know these situations can be delicate,
but perhaps you could feel out the potential recipient ahead of time?
Nothing much, just a few questions. Maybe something along the lines
of "Please complete the following sentence: I deserve these beautiful
green eyes because…" Answers should reflect some thoughtful
consideration on the subject. I trust you'll use best judgment, but
don't be afraid to press a little.
FINGERNAILS
I realize this one was not included on the card originally, but this
manicure cost a lot and I really don't think it should go to waste.
SKIN
Yes. And if he can get rid of that rash down there, more power to
him.
Jay Dyckman lives in New York. You can find more of his writing at www.jaydyckman.com.