Congratulations, You Have Graduated With Honors From the School of Mahouts
The School of Mahouts offers their congratulations; you are now a grade 4 qualified mahout, authorized to manage an elephant unsupervised, undertake construction and logging work, and undertake basic bush-clearing machete work. You are also eligible to apply for grade 5.
In conjunction with the successful acquisition of a grade 4, the
down payment scheme is now activated, enabling you to lease an elephant
from The School of Mahouts. The payments will be made in 400 installments
over the next 18 months. The elephant allocated to you is ELIJAH,
a 9 year old un-neutered African male.
Below is some basic information in order to familiarize yourself
with your new elephant. Please read it carefully. A detailed veterinarian
report, pedigree certificate, mahout’s handbook and contract,
and ornamental tusk sheaths will be provided on the day of introduction.
* Elijah has the power of 20 raging horses and a top speed of 35
mph. This is typical in a male elephant between the ages of 7–30.
Between the ages of 31-45 this diminishes to the power of 15 agitated
horses and 29mph. Between the ages of 46-65 this diminishes to the
power of 9 consistent horses and 20mph. Any elephant over the age
of 70 will have a maximum speed of 1mph and the power of 1 cocksure goat.
* Elijah is sexually mature and will react once every 12 months to
the sexuality of other sexy elephants. During this time it is protocol
to chain his ankles and shackle him in one of the seclusion pens.
Remember, the respectful elephant you know and dominate is now a
wild hooligan pervert. If you fail to shackle him, or release him
prematurely, he will smash you apart, fling your corpse into the
surrounding banana trees, and run off with his furious grey erection
on a carnival of sensual Armageddon. Also, it is worth noting that
the owner of any female elephant worked-over by your elephant is
in full ownership of the resulting elephant calf. He is also legally
entitled to sue you for loss of earnings, as a pregnant elephant’s
strength is diminished to 3mph, with the power of two uninterested
horses.
* Elijah, as a juvenile elephant, is still learning about behavior
limitations and will require strict boundaries to be set and enforced
by his mahout. One particular habit he has developed is to throw
his trunk over his head, using it to engage with individuals seated
on his neck. This behavior is strongly discouraged. Reports indicate
that as Elijah has matured his trunk-play has also matured, becoming
increasingly playful and creating incidents. Complaints have been
logged by the elephant janitors after morning exercise sessions.
Elijah’s trunk has committed the following:
1) Using the two flexible trunk fingers to mash the janitor’s
cheeks together, making instructions to desist impossible to pronounce.
2) Making a sharp noise of excessive volume whilst pressed
over the janitor’s ear, then coming at the ear in a fist.
3) Vandalizing the janitorial uniform from all sides.
* Elijah will consume 300kg of vegetable and fruit matter and 25
gallons of fluid daily. Dietary provision for elephants is the responsibility
of the mahouts. Failure to provide correct rations will result in
heavy fines, disciplinary action, or legal prosecution. It is compulsory
for elephants to be nourished in the designated elephant stalls,
at the designated nourishing troughs. The provision of nourishment
anywhere else is forbidden. If an elephant is observed trying to
nourish itself, standing in the fields of a commercial farm with
a spade in its trunk, throwing dirt around and hacking up the ground
for carrots, the liable mahout will be charged with trespassing,
damage of property, burglary, theft, and cruelty to animals.
* It is important to stress a new law has been brought in specifically
for the elephant-handling community, concerning the transfer of knowledge
of inappropriate skills. The following skills are expressly prohibited
in elephant training:
1) Tuition of an instrument with the intention of begging illegally.
2) Knife and weapon familiarization with the intention of enrolment
in racist mercenary units.
3) Advanced anatomical education with the intention of performing
cosmetic surgical procedures on the homeless.
4) Advanced penmanship with the intention of producing counterfeit
medical prescriptions and ultimately ruining the lives of experimental
young delinquents.
Congratulations once again on completing grade 4. The School of Mahouts, with the ancient wisdom of the elephant myth, predicts you have a long and flourishing career in the respected profession of mahouthood, and elicits a loud, 'Hup Hup! Ho-Huzzah! Y’hup!'
Becky Hunt is 28 and lives in east London, and that's the hook, Brooke.