My Complete and Unabridged Sexual History in 60 Seconds
Danny Baldwin was the first penis I ever saw. I was 4, he
was 5. Then my dad walked in and freaked out. My first kiss
was Christmas Day. I was 17. Mark Shapiro was there but I barely
remember that part. John Gentile took my technical virginity on a
couch while MTV was on. It lasted 30 seconds and then his friends'
parents came home and we ran and I said it didn't count. I dated
a 32-year-old “dom,” 
, first year of college;
now I have a rule about that. My rebound was a one-week-stand
with a married mechanic who was in my then-band. I got a boyfriend
and then fell for his best friend and stayed in love with him for
three (3) years. Shawn. We never kissed. I still
say he's gay. Tried to get over him with this guy who went to
all the same parties I did. Marcus Dudley. We had sex
once. Meh. I got my first serious orgasm from a friend
who made out with me on New Year's Eve so I could make Shawn jealous,
but then we just didn't stop. I casually dated this jock I hated
later that summer. Collin Jordan. The sex was great, but
every time he talked I told him to shut up, but only in my head. More
great sex with this “free love” 19-year-old who played
harmonica named Lloyd. We had sex in a yellow tube slide. Later
I realized this was the kind of spontaneous sex he had with everyone. Got
stuck in a live-in relationship with a sullen Puerto Rican. Accidentally
took his big V; turned out he'd been waiting. Sorry. Then
I moved back home and swore off sex. Again.
Shayn Nicely seeking attractive loser for mutual abuse. Likes walks in the rain, lightning rods. Smokes crack responsibly. Has an evil twin. Is a school for wayward Christian boys.