Opposing Perceptions of the Same Argument . . . Both Arriving at the Same Conclusion
"Cheryl, have a look! I believe you'll agree that
this equation is absolutely extraordinary."
"Clarify."
"Extraordinary: Strange, unexpected, astonishing... and perhaps,
even remarkable. Absolutely: Definitely and completely, unquestionably."
"Jeffrey, I've examined this hypothesis before. You're completely
mistaken."
"Of course you think I am, Cheryl. You're contrary."
"Clarify."
"Contrary: Opposing, obstinate, and difficult. That's you in
a nutshell."
"Your name calling does not alter my professional and scientific
opinion."
"Right. You automatically assume the contrary view to any of
my observations and discoveries. I say, recondite DNA and you say,
boring... old hat. Nothing new."
"And exactly what was that supposed to mean, Jeffrey? That sounded
terribly personal."
"I'm sorry, my dear. For your illumination... and for those owning
microscopic intelligence who haven't already figured it out for themselves...
you're a colossal bitch."
"Then this is personal. Now you're acting childish."
"Clarify."
"Childish: Marked by or indicating a lack of maturity, puerile."
"You're sidestepping the issue at hand, Cheryl. On the table
is my mathematical equation. I've worked on it for nearly a year.
It establishes the-."
"Very well, let me read it again. Now, exactly what is this coefficient?"
"X in the term of X times the sum of A and B, divided by A squared
over E."
"E equals?"
"The predictable measure of motion."
"Hmmm."
"My formula is striking, don't you think? Condensed in such a
simple equation, I've managed to make clear the relationship between
the elements and the whole in a set of principles that guides and
directs the whole, without altering the random actions of the sub-elements."
"Poppycock."
"What?"
"Poppycock."
"I know exactly what is happening here, Cheryl. You're envious."
"Over poppycock?"
"Refrain from saying that, please."
"What? Poppycock?"
"Cheryl!"
"Poppycock, poppycock, poppycock."
"You're impossible."
"Because I think you're using first grade arithmetic to explain
your thesis?"
"No, because the last original thought you had involved two laboratory
rats and a bell. That makes you envious."
"Ha! And you believe this equation is original?"
"Unequivocally."
"Jeffrey, you can be just like your mother."
"Clarify."
"Your mother is doggedly bullheaded, maddeningly insensitive
to anyone's feelings other than her own, and she can be dismissive."
"That's nasty, Cheryl."
"We've been married ten years, Jeffrey, but her little boy still
runs to his mamma for counsel and consoling, a glass of milk and cookies
whenever your feelings are hurt. You should consider untangling yourself
from your mother's apron strings."
"Now that's nasty multiplied by itself."
"Purely my analytical observation, that's all."
"Is that right?"
"Yep."
"One could postulate a valid argument that a man marries his
mother."
"Now who's being nasty, Jeffrey?"
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"You called me a bitch earlier."
"I'm sorry about that, too."
"I'm not a bitch."
"No."
"I can be, at times."
"Yes."
"But I wasn't a bitch at this instance."
"No."
"I have an idea, Jeffrey. It's not very original, though."
"Proceed."
They kiss.
"What prompted this course of action, Cheryl?"
"Quarreling stirs the emotions, raises one's blood pressure,
flushing the skin, and increases heart palpitation, often resulting
in an unexpected outcome."
"But today is not Saturday."
"The key word is unexpected."
***
"That was absolutely amazing, Cheryl. You've reaffirmed my initial
attraction to our union."
"More astonishing than my conjecture about polar ice caps on
Mars?"
"And warmer."
Ric Reichert and his wife live in Wyoming. His work has appeared in Flashquake, SoMa Literary Review, Astonishing Tales, Pindeldyboz, and Exquisite Corpse.