Screenplay Ideas From the Desk of Ronnie Hitchcock, Alfred Hitchcock's Less Talented, Younger Brother
The Wedding
A happy couple decides to get married. They plan a large and beautiful wedding in southern Maine, and all of their friends and family are invited. All of the guests have arrived, and everyone is as happy as can be. I mean, like, super happy. Hap-hap-happy.
And then, as soon as the bride and groom start reciting their vows, there is a horrible earthquake! A huge chasm opens up and swallows all of the wedding guests, the groom, and the minister. The bride alone survives, but this earthquake has scarred her. She is overcome with grief, and seeing as how she has no support (because everyone she knows is dead—from the earthquake, remember?), she is reduced to a lifetime of uncontrolled sobbing. Like, all the time. Cry, cry, cry. She is left alone in a hospital room for the rest of her life with only one issue of Newsweek to comfort her. The cover story? "Human Tears Cause Earthquakes."
Hyacinth in June
The wife of a prominent United States senator is framed for adultery by her husband's chief political rival. Enraged and jealous, the senator plans to kill his wife for betraying him. He waits inside their pantry for her to come home from the beauty parlor.
When she arrives home, he leaps from the pantry, arms raised, as if to stab her. She screams! But then she sees that instead of a knife, the senator is holding a banana!
"I bet you thought I was going to stab you with a knife, huh?" says the senator. "Imagine that! As you can see, this is decidedly not a knife. Now, let's make some banana pudding with this banana I have in my hand."
The senator and his wife laugh it off and decide to make the banana pudding. At that point, the man turns from his wife and peels the banana, only inside the banana peel, instead of a banana, is a knife! The man turns around to stab her with the knife, but she's already gone. See you later, sucker.
Suspenseful Chase Movie
A university professor arrives home after work to find the body of his murdered colleague on his living room floor and a man running down his fire escape. He gives chase, and as he is doing so, he realizes that he is also being pursued by the police for some related (unrelated?) reason. Eventually, these dueling chases lead him to Egypt, where he ends up cornered, hanging from the Sphinx, and you think he's going to either fall or get shot, and then, out of nowhere, BAM, radon poisoning: the silent killer.
Murder, Delicious Murder
Five people are stranded on a deserted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean: a pastry chef, a journalist, a banker, a traveling salesman, and, I don't know, another pastry chef. One night, the banker goes missing, and the remaining castaways start getting suspicious of one another. Things heat up when the journalist finds the banker's corpse covered in powdered sugar and lemon custard. Murder! Delicious murder.
At that point, the accusations are flying, and the castaways are threatening each other, and then, all of a sudden, the traveling salesman pipes up:
"We need to stop this fighting! The isolation is making us go crazy."
"Hey, what kind of salesman are you, anyway, huh?" screams one of the pastry chefs, accusingly.
Just then, the traveling salesman pulls an expertly folded inflatable life raft from his pants pocket. "I sell compact, inflatable life rafts door-to-door."
At that point, they shove off and pretty much forget about the stupid dead banker.
The Birds 2
San Francisco, 1966. Melanie Daniels survives the first round of bird attacks, but she is left a terrified shell of her former self. She spends all of her waking hours afraid that birds will attack her. She even goes so far as to bird-proof her house and car, and she makes a point of carrying an umbrella made of razorblades wherever she goes.
One day, as she is walking down the street, she is hit by a fish truck carrying a load of fresh fish to local seafood restaurants. As she lays dying, she looks up at the fish truck to see that the driver of the fish truck is a human-sized fish, and it is laughing at her. Hey, genius, looks like you should have spent a little less time worrying about the birds and a little more time worrying about the fish.
Pete Reynolds will stipulate that the pen is mightier than the sword, but he maintains that the sword that has been dipped in ink is the mightiest of all.