A WORD FROM THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF PEOPLE BEING BURIED ALIVE (A PAMPHLET): CIRCA 1850

By

Cody Shaffer

It is a hard lot for grieving families these days. Cholera, tuberculosis, and feral chimney-sweeps kill people everyday. But even worse than the high mortality rate is the nagging fear that your loved ones may not be dead when they are buried. Premature burial is absolutely rampant, what with all of the sloppy, cut-rate doctors and morticians, not to mention the sudden spike in cases of catalepsy. It seems that there is no way to be absolutely sure that you aren't sentencing your dear mother to days of anguish and torment in a tiny box.

Today there are many commercial options available for the concerned bereaved. Specially designed safety coffins have become enormously popular, equipped with a string and a small bell which allows the quasi-deceased to summon help in the event that they find themselves not dead (fig. 1), and—for the more traditional widow or widower—prepackaged coffin escape kits are readily available and include such practical items as shovels, picks, axes, etc. (fig. 2). The trouble is that these methods, though noble efforts in the fight against hasty interment, are not nearly thorough enough. What if no one is around to hear the recently-still-alive as they ring their little bell? And how exactly is a prone, half-dead person supposed to wield an ax? These are questions that the modern mourner needs to consider.

In light of these short-comings, we at the Society for the Prevention of People Being Buried Alive have developed our own patented, all-encompassing, yet economically affordable Pre-Burial Service to ensure you the peace of mind and clear conscience of someone whose relative is positively dead. For a nominal fee, you can purchase our deluxe package, which includes:

• Thorough examination by a sober doctor (fig. 3). We hire no drunken MDs, absolutely guaranteed. Your ex-loved one's private physician will be a certified medical practitioner, and—if possible—a staunch teetotaler.

• Three-day "cooling off" period. We will place your dearly departed under constant supervision for three business days to make absolutely certain that they're not even the slightest bit alive. Though the smell may make the wake a tad unpleasant, it is a very good sign.

• Second examination (fig. 3, again). Our still completely alcohol-free doctor will yet again check for a pulse or signs of respiration from the client. By which we mean the corpse.

• Gunshot to the face (fig. 4). Exactly what it sounds like, actually. And do not fear, we will wait until after any public services before shooting your loved one in the head with a pistol.

• Complementary bell-and-string (fig. 1, again). Just in case.

We also offer our services a la carte for the thrifty consumer. For those with the utmost confidence in medical science we can offer our thorough examination by appointment. For the skeptics among you, we can supply the services of our vigilantly patrolled observation room. Or, if you are burying an abusive older relative, or perhaps an ex-spouse, you may simply opt for the shot-to-the-face, which we will provide no questions asked. Feel free to mix-n-match! (See prices below.)

We, the Society for the Prevention of People Being Buried Alive, are simply a concerned group of men and women who want to save you the grief and the guilt of accidentally bidding your friends and family adieu before they've packed their bags. The certain death of your loved ones is our only goal.