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My Organ Donor Card: Annotated

JAY DYCKMAN

HEART
Should it not be the organ that landed me here, I say have at it. More or less, it worked pretty well. But, should you somehow hear otherwise, perhaps while passing by the hospital waiting room and overhearing someone loudly proclaim that donating my heart would be "medically impossible because that rat bastard didn't have one," please disregard. No, bitter exes who clearly suffer from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and sabotaged an otherwise decent relationship by putting a lot of pressure to move in together when one of us clearly wasn't ready to take that step should be completely ignored. In fact, should you ever find yourself attending to this person, who, as fate would have it, is in dire need of a heart transplant, please consider it the wishes of a dying (dead?) man if you would dangle my heart in front of this person's frantic eyes and whisper, "Hmm, so you need a heart? Well, I guess that makes two of you then."

Also, was my death ruled "accidental"? Because, if so, you might want to poke around a little further.


BRAIN
Sure. Didn't win any Nobel prizes, but why not. And should the recipient have any doubts, just pat them on the forehead and tell them, "If it was good enough for the Florida State Univ. admissions department, it's good enough for you."


LIVER
Don't bother. Really.


CORNEAS
This means eyes, right? Well if so, they're a total score for whoever receives them. As you should be able to tell (barring some "accidental" acid-related attack), I have absolutely stunning green eyes. Two shiny emerald pools you just want to dive into. Seriously, you should have seen them in the hazy glow of late fall/early winter sunset. Man, did they pop! Anyway, I must insist that they be placed with someone special. Someone with the bone structure and rugged charm to really complement these beauties. Now, I know these situations can be delicate, but perhaps you could feel out the potential recipient ahead of time? Nothing much, just a few questions. Maybe something along the lines of "Please complete the following sentence: I deserve these beautiful green eyes because…" Answers should reflect some thoughtful consideration on the subject. I trust you'll use best judgment, but don't be afraid to press a little.


FINGERNAILS
I realize this one was not included on the card originally, but this manicure cost a lot and I really don't think it should go to waste.


SKIN
Yes. And if he can get rid of that rash down there, more power to him.



Jay Dyckman lives in New York. You can find more of his writing at www.jaydyckman.com.