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Tweets We Would Like to Delete

SARAH LAYDEN

“Update your status. Tell your online friends what you’re doing right now…”

Tuesday

Jilly St. Stevens can’t wait for her conjugal visit: Attica, here I come!!!!

Pete Shockley has hella gas.

Anson Gruber didn’t mean to run over the neighbor’s dog. Would’ve stopped, but was late to work.

Sarafina Smith broke into her ex’s apartment and peed on his toothbrush.

Ralph Ogden-Sharp plans to get laid at his 15th class reunion.


WEDNESDAY

Jilly St. Stevens is texting while speeding on I-90, wearing nothing but a trench coat.

Pete Shockley doesn’t know what it is about cheese curls, but damn!

Anson Gruber had scary dreams. Chased by dog w/big yellow teeth. Peed the bed, a little.

Sarafina Smith knows she has flaws. But did he really need to list them? It’s not like she tries to chew with her mouth open. She has a deviated septum!

Ralph Ogden-Sharp is still Lookin’ Sharp, Stayin’ Sharp, Playin’ Sharp. As you might remember from the senior class VP campaign. Win, lose, whatev: it’s memorable, yo.


THURSDAY

Jilly St. Stevens kinda thought the sex would be hotter, like us gripping the bars while other prisoners watched/rioted? But there was a pretty comfortable bed. And a door.

Pete Shockley is grading students’ papers on the can.

Anson Gruber is NOT answering his cell. He will return YOUR call, unless you are his neighbor or his neighbor’s lawyer.

Sarafina Smith misses Brady. She would do anything to get back together. Including That Thing.

Ralph Ogden-Sharp wonders how many of his Korrupt Key Klub Kroniezzz will be in attendance? Aaron: Because “Lookin’ Ogden-Sharp” doesn’t make sense. Dude. Grow up.


FRIDAY

Jilly St. Stevens does not think it qualifies you as a whore to have sex with your husband in prison!!!! Don’t hate, haters.

Pete Shockley blows his nose into dirty laundry – usually dress socks.

Anson Gruber once gave Fritzy an extremely tender head pat, even if he was jumping and sniffing all over my privates in the driveway. I raise a glass of single malt to you, old sport.

Sarafina Smith hates Caller ID.

Ralph Ogden-Sharp is starting to get nervous…where is everyone? Did plans change?


SATURDAY

Jilly St. Stevens is headed to the Macy’s 1-day ladies’ undergarments sale.

Pete Shockley is headed to the Macy’s 1-day ladies’ undergarments sale.

Anson Gruber dreamed Fritzy spoke to him in tones of forgiveness, and upon awaking, IT WAS NOT A DREAM BUT A REAL VOICE.

Sarafina Smith met the man of her dreams last night at the O’Charley’s bar.

Ralph Ogden-Sharp gives props to Aaron for the status update. I had the wrong P.F. Chang’s–LOL! Last night seriously rocked. And to the laydeezz of the class of ’93, you can still check me at home, 866 Applewood (same as high school.)



Sarah Layden’s writing appears in Opium, Pindeldyboz, Freight Stories, Contrary, Margie, Blood Orange Review, and elsewhere. She is test marketing a new invention: the Personal Internet Breathalyzer System (PIBS™).