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If I Could Fly

COLIN NISSAN

If I could fly, I would soar high up in the mountain tops, above the clouds. As the sky’s great solitude engulfed me, I would, at last experience the unbridled freedom of our avian neighbors. I would join a flock of migrating Canada Geese in their majestic V formation. Hopefully I would be the tip of the V, because I have a feeling the other geese look up to that goose. I would glide above oceans and lakes, skimming the water and diving to catch fish in my mouth. I would then go home and bake the fish in the oven with some lemon and dill. Just because I can fly doesn’t mean I like to eat raw fish.

If I could fly, I would go to the park and look down at all the people lying on their blankets and flying kites, and I would use the pair of scissors I brought to cut all the kite strings I see. The gift of flight would come with many humorous perks like this.

If I could fly I would land on a telephone wire with the pigeons and finally see exactly how they aim their droppings so accurately at the people below. Then just to make sure I understand, I would give it a go. I’d try to keep my droppings small like a pigeon’s, but I’m a human so I can’t promise anything.

If I could fly, I would join the seagulls hovering around one of those little old ladies on the boardwalk, vying for the pieces of stale bread she tosses out. Since I don’t share the advantage of a beak, I would punch the seagulls around me to get my fair share. I also wouldn’t rule out punching the old lady if she’s favoring the other birds too much - nature can be cruel, I would soon learn.

If I could fly, I would build a nest high up in the trees with the eagles. I wouldn’t keep eggs in the nest, but rather the purses and jewelry I stole from people in random swoopings.

If I could fly, I would land in Antarctica where the penguins live and show off my flying ability until they felt really bad about themselves. I might even say something like, Oh, I’m sorry, you guys can’t…oh that’s right. Even though they won’t understand what I’m saying, they’ll pick up on my passive-aggressive tone.

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face at the terrified passengers. I have a feeling I would do this a lot.

If I could fly, I would find a hummingbird, then hover right next to him and flap my arms in slow motion. I bet that would look really weird, and possibly make him nauseous.

If I could fly, I would fly over the plains of the Serengeti to see all the animals close-up. I’d bring a gun and fire it a couple of times just to see the looks on their faces when they think, Oh great, birds have guns now. 

If I could fly, I wouldn’t get caught up in any of the mating activities with the birds. No matter how interested any of them seemed, nothing good could come of that.

If I could fly, once in a while I’d wear tights and a cape, then when someone is in trouble, I’d just wave at them from above. People would be furious and scream, Why won’t that superhero up there help us? And I’d keep waving.

If I could fly, I would meet a girl in bar, then fly her home on my back. If that didn’t get me laid, then I give up.

If I could fly, I’d make a cardboard spaceship and fly around Roswell, New Mexico. Once I had a decent crowd outside, I would toss buckets of lollipops to them. Just when everyone was starting to feel good about aliens again, I’d turn on my megaphone and start talking about intergalactic armageddon.

If I could fly, I would find people alone on deserted islands and time it so just when I land I’d be finishing my last slice of pizza. After catching the deserted guy up on recent current events, I’d toss the final nubbin of crust in the ocean, mutter something about carbs, then fly away. And as I ascended above his emaciated body, I would pause a moment to take in this beautiful gift I’d been given - to cherish the magical innocence of flight, and vow to never squander it, like so many birds do.





Colin Nissan (www.colinnissan.com) writes TV commercials, humor essays and books. Okay one book. Don't Be That Guy is scheduled to be published in the Spring of 2009.