Why Being Born on 3rd Base Isn’t That Easy

Paul Handley

Paul Handley

I won’t lie to you. I love the parties and the excellent tables, but the best is just being a chromosomal freak of such sheer incredibleness that I can almost hear the ka-ching of my internal register as my genes knock heads. Open doors? Opportunity knocking isn’t only waiting for me to open the door. It’s sliding into me and taking out my legs to make sure I fall into it.

But, even with all the advantages, there are not any guarantees. How many studs have to get together before a born on 3rd thoroughbred gets lei’d in the Preakness winner’s circle? It’s still Russian roulette, except five chambers are loaded instead of just one, vastly increasing the chances of busting a cap in the ass of success.

You might think there isn’t a special club, but there is. It makes Skull & Bones look like a 4-H Club. Have you ever seen a picture of us together on a night out? Never. It could cause governments to collapse to see a concentration of that much 3rd basedness. We are the only ones we can talk to about our problems. I know what people say, “I’d kill to have those problems,” which completely illustrates my point.

For instance, stealing home is much harder than stealing 2nd or 3rd. But the expectation is there. I am already at third base, so why not just scoot home, is the speculation. You try it. Oh that’s right, you have no idea what it feels like, because you’ll be lucky to get to second base and I’m not talking about copping a feel.

Another problem. Constant sports metaphors. I get it. I’m born on 3rd. Speaking of which, I have another one. Being born on 3rd base is like being born in a literal and metaphoric hot box. Or is 3rd base the hot corner? Something like that. It’s OK for the 3rd base community to refer amongst themselves with sports’ metaphors, but for anyone else it’s considered derogatory.

3rd basers are usually not born in the community in which they will live, but at a resort hospital. I was born in the bosom of a yacht. It was perfectly safe, as my parents had brought along the best doctors on the voyage, keeping one sober at all times. Because of the way 3rd basers are brought into the world, we are disconnected from any real home. A safe port, if you will to return in the case of poorly chosen film roles, military coups, or further blows to an already
weakened feudal system.

Suicide bunts are rough on a career. This pathway is only taken in extreme desperation. Reality TV judges, game show appearances, infomercials, guest columns on gossip sites, arguing legal strategy on the 67th night in a row regarding the accused of the latest attractive blonde to disappear, political conventions, and conservative pundit outfits consisting of the appropriate clothes, hair and outrage.

My communication style was unorthodox. I learn to gesticulate wildly from a lifetime of communicating with my 3rd base coach. Watch out for the hold-up with one hand while signaling I am sent home with the other hand. Often all I need is just the slightest hesitation from a possible benefactor before they realize they are being overwhelmed with glamour and that my talent is sketchy.

Let’s face it, I want it both ways; entitlement and the street cred. Odds are on me.


Paul Handley has published humor in The Doctor T.J. Eckleburg Review; Gargoyle; McSweeney’s Internet Tendency; a short play performed at Pulp Diction III; a short play published in the Mayo Review, and a full length book of poetry entitled 5-Tool Poet from Punkin House Press.


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