Katie Schwartz

o Name: Earl Stanrankowski
o Age: 23
o DOD: 5/4/14
o Obituary: Earl wrote his own obituary in the frozen section between Hungry-Mans and Lean Cuisines at Walmurt. He was conflicted about his weight.

There are two kinds of fats in this world, pliable fat and loose fat. Unfortunately, I was smack dab in the middle. Oh, I guess that means there are three kinds of fats. Anyway, I knew I was gonna die. I kept smellin’ pork rinds and patty melts, my favorite eats. I was a Christian with the heart of a Catholic. At 13, I had my first son and my second when I was 14. Though I wasn’t much of a ladies’ man, my sperm seemed to take hold when I had sexual relations. Now, you know I only had sex twice. Anyway, I lived a good life. Had a rental apartment in a complex in Madison, Wisconsin; we call it “Wisco,” a flip phone with a hard soundin’ flip when I closed it. I used to comb the streets for chargers and cords. Any kinda cord did me fine, phone cord, computer cord, battery cord. As long as it was a technological cord, I collected it. Suppose’n I was specific about the cords I chose. Oh, well. Anyway, took my Chevy to Roscoe Do-It-Yourself Oil Change every six weeks. Boy that was some kinda fun. Oil drained so fast outta the car when I opened the spout that I’d accidentally swallow some. Made it challengin’ to smoke for a day or two, but these things happen, you know? Betch-you’re wonderin’ how I died? Take it away, Tubs:

Well, it’s a funny story. See, Earl was peein’ off the ledge of our friend, Clarence’s porch when a crow swooshed by and scooped his penis off. It was the darndest thing. They were listenin’ to “Send Me An Angel” by the Scorpions so damn loud, Clarence thought Earl was singin’ along and dancin’, not cryin’ out for help. He died.


Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer, producer and essayist, among other writerly things. She collects vintage tchotch, not bodies, which is surprising considering her obsession with death humor. You can catch her weekly column at Monkeybicycle and other print work on Huffington Post, Exquisite Corpse, or here. If you’re not bored to death, watch some of her produced work at FKR.TV, FunnyOrDie or on the YouTubes.