Katie Schwartz

o Name: Declan Shufflebottom III
o Age: 27
o DOD: 4/6/14
o Obituary: Declan Shufflebottom III died painfully and abruptly when he drove his vintage Huffy ten-speed bicycle head first into the driver of a parked Hummer for swiping the last bag of gummy worms at Baxter, Minnesota’s Walgreens.

Declan is survived by his mother, Declan, who said her son was so thick he made bangers and mash seem weak as water. Declan is also survived by his father, Declan, a house painter and aspiring harpsichord player, and his three sisters, Declan-1, Declan-2, and Declan-3.

Though Declan Shufflebottom was a schmuck, he must have had some redeeming qualities. Clearly, he loved gummy worms so much that he died in pursuit of the last bag. One can only hope that when the driver was hit, the bag exploded and gummy worms covered Declan’s corpse.

Declan’s girlfriend, Declan, left him for his sister, Declan-2. But perhaps she introduced him to her sister, Declan, before his untimely demise. If not, I hope the night before he died he jerked off with gummy worms clinging to his cock. Unfortunately, he probably ate them after.

Now that I think about it, Declan probably had no redeeming qualities at all. He was kind of nauseating. But he did love vintage bicycles.

 
 
 


Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer, producer and essayist, among other writerly things. She collects vintage tchotch, not bodies, which is surprising considering her obsession with death humor. You can catch her weekly column at Monkeybicycle and other print work on Huffington Post, Exquisite Corpse, or here. If you’re not bored to death, watch some of her produced work at FKR.TV, FunnyOrDie or on the YouTubes.