Shark in swimming pool
Scorpion in shoe
Icicle
I choose cotton over nonflammable polyester
I fail to adjust my bike helmet straps according to the instruction manual
I forget to knock on wood
Shoe stuck in train track
Bike wheel stuck in tram track
Truck swerving to miss squirrel
Meteor
Javelin
Lawn dart
Brian
Finger wet from buttermilk, I touch the frayed cord of the waffle iron
Scrambler car comes loose
The guy at the bus stop who looks like the kind of guy who could open fire on a crowd, is
Black mold
Red die
Teflon
Bird poop
Lying bastard
All five carbon monoxide alarms fail
In need of Heimlich, I am only person who knows Heimlich
Murderer disguised as trick-or-treater dressed up as murderer
Earthquake on bridge
Elevator asphyxiation
Crossfire
Free round-trip ticket to anyone willing to take the next flight
Running triggers the mountain lion’s natural instinct to chase
Eric
Marna
Andy
Eric
Falling rocks
Falling trees
Falling balcony
Falling
It likes to be scratched under its neck
Don’t worry, the jetty keeps them from coming in this close
With this ring, I thee wed
Leaning over stove in angora poncho
Mattress improperly tied to pickup in front of me
Bear
Skin cancer, colon cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer, spine cancer
Aneurism
Contraindications
Undercooked chicken
Just steer clear of that big tree
I need one volunteer – you there, in back
Secret arsenals
Suicide bombers
Unclaimed baggage
Laptops in bed
I order the Standard Emergency Preparedness Kit instead of the Deluxe Emergency Preparedness Kit
Standard Emergency Preparedness Kit trapped under debris
Skinned, scalped, stoned, trampled, boiled, baked, consumed
You leave me
Respiratory arrest
Heart failure
Internal bleeding
Lost at sea
You don’t leave me
Drowning
Suffocation
Solitaire
A Prairie Home Companion
A prairie home
Natural causes
Kathleen Lane lives in Portland, Oregon, where she teaches writing workshops, co-hosts the art & literary event series SHARE, and is currently working on a short story collection and young adult novel. Her stories have appeared in Los Angeles Review, Writer’s Digest, Berkeley Fiction Review, Swink Magazine, Forest Avenue Press, and elsewhere, and her middle grade novel, The Best Worst Thing (spring 2016, Little, Brown), was a finalist at this year’s Oregon Book Awards.
