Katie Schwartz
Can I get an amen?!
As luck would have it, Jesus is at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Sunset, across the street from the DGA in West Hollywood. Fortunately, he isn’t incognito—we are so blessed!
For someone who is 2,017 years old and dates back to biblical times when the average size man was between 5’1″ and 5’5″, I marveled at his 6’1″ stature. That Jesus sure has great bone density! I wondered how and why he was so tall. Was he a size queen? Did he want a height increase for concerts? Maybe Jesus’ objective was simply to make a bigger splash. I wasn’t sure so I asked.
Me: Jesus, what’s with the height increase?
Jesus: I’ve always been tall.
Me: Are you sure about that?
Jesus: Are you calling me, the son of God, a liar?
Me: Would I call the author of the bestselling fiction of all time a liar? Of course not!
Jesus: Well, all right then. I was born tall.
Me (under my breath): You did schlep a Cross through a village and up a hill. I guess I’ll let the height thing go for now.
Honestly, Jesus looks righteous. He’s a lot thinner which is odd considering all the great restaurants in LA that service pescaterians. More questions emerged. Swimmingly, Jesus was happy to oblige (I’m telling you, this guy is such a mensch!).
Me: You’re SO MUCH THINNER than in your photos and statues. Are you trying to land an acting gig?
Jesus: I wouldn’t mind doing a movie with Morgan Freeman.
Me: Respectfully, he’s more of a dead ringer for Jesus than you are. In the Middle East, people are brown and beige, not pasty white. I suppose a spray tan might work. The last thing you need is melanoma!
Jesus: You’re talking to me like I’m not Jesus and its offensive.
Me: Sure, sure. I understand. You can read my mind so you know I’m coming from a pure place. Anyway, what made you decide to be an actor?
Jesus: I need to do something to pay the bills.
Me: I bet you’d be a HUGE HIT on the Trinity Broadcast Network and they have a gazillion dollars.
Jesus: Yeah, but it’s so boring. I want to be challenged.
Right, because it’s not like you’re already 50 shades on the spectrum.
Me: You used to be pretty ripped. Lots of men on TV and in film have those 20 pack ab things going.
Jesus: We don’t have a gym in heaven.
Me: You couldn’t ask your dad to spring for a Bowflex?
Jesus: Things have been rocky between us since my death.
Me: You gotta let that shit go. Parents are people doing the best they can with the tools they have, you know?
Jesus adorns a form fitting burlap sack. Think Passion of the Christ paired with brown lace-up sandals. Very BC chic! His hair is dead straight—like clothing iron straight—with whimsical curls resting on his shoulders. He’s still working that signature beard, too.
Before saying our goodbyes and parting ways, he asked me if I could refer him to an agent at CAA, ICM or WME. Like any promising artist in LA, Jesus did his homework.
Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer, producer and essayist, among other writerly things. She collects vintage tchotch, not bodies, which is surprising considering her obsession with death humor. You can catch her weekly column at Monkeybicycle and other print work on Huffington Post, Exquisite Corpse, or here. If you’re not bored to death, watch some of her produced work at FKR.TV, FunnyOrDie or on the YouTubes.