Do you like sex? Well, you should not like it. Yes, right now, you might want to like sex, but I am afraid this is not a good thing. If you do like sex, the good news is that your affinity is reversible. The fact is, you think you like sex only because that is what you have been taught to think. It is time to change that.
My name is Jacob and I am here to tell you a story. It is about sex.
All our lives, people tell us we should like sex. School friends, coworkers, uncles. Every day it is “Sex is good” and “Sex is fun” and “Let’s have sex.” Well, it is time this brainwashing stopped. It is time you become the sexually-indifferent person you really are. That we all really are.
I used to be just like you: Having earth-shaking sex five times a week in the backseat of a neighbor’s Ford Taurus while listening to “November Rain” by Guns and Roses. But one night, around 2 a.m., a passerby caught my partner and me in that Ford Taurus, and he was not happy. Maybe he was mad because of jealosy, or because the woman I was with was his wife, or he did not like Guns and Roses. We will never really know, but that is not the point. The point is, I realized two things that night: 1) a crowbar can cause major head injuries and 2) that sex is actually not fun. It is silly and stupid. Sex is the Jar Jar Binks of human activity.
Even the word ‘sex’ is ugly. I do not even want to say the word ‘six’ anymore because it sounds like ‘sex,’ so I skip that number. Now I just say ‘seven’ when someone asks me how many times I forget my name on a daily basis.
The woman I was sleeping with in the Ford Taurus was a friend from high school. Tammy. That is her name. We did drugs together, okay yes, but also we did other things, among them play arcade games. The one game that comes to mind is Yie Ar Kung-Fu. We would go to the arcade called The Fun Machine and play until our five dollars was gone. Those were the good old days because we did not have sex back then. Ours was a sexless world and therefore a safer world.
Sometimes, in my mind, I like to pretend the husband of Tammy is the guy with the pole in Yie Ar Kung-Fu. The name of the character in the game is Pole, which is not very creative, but still: good game. Anyway, he is Pole and I am Oolong, and I must fight for my prize. Maybe you think the prize is Tammy. You are wrong. The prize is not having Tammy, because Tammy equals sex. Have you been paying attention at all?
What are some things you can do if you do not allow yourself to have sex? There are lots of things to do if you really think about it: jogging, ironing, bicycling, ironing. Or try giving your cat a bath, if that is what you are into. You can also try reading, but the problem with reading is that all the books have sex in them.
One thing I am probably going to do is look for a neuroligist. I know what you are thinking: Jacob, you are over-reacting about this whole crowbar-to-the-head thing. At first I thought the same thing, but the blood dripping from my ear tells a different story.
Oh, yes, I almost forgot: something else you can do instead of having sex is ironing.
It is not okay to love someone outside of the platonic sense because that kind of love could lead to sex. It is not okay to love someone outside of the platonic sense because that kind of love could lead to sex. Sometimes I say this over and over again. I wish I did not have to, but I do because it helps me stay focused.
If I could have any wish in the world, I would either wish for a time machine or to be able to fly. If I had a time machine, I would make it so I never had sex with Tammy. It would solve a lot of problems in my life. But if I could fly, then I could just fly away from my problems and, at the same time, impress Tammy because I bet her husband can not fly. But I should not be trying to impress Tammy. I should be trying to forget about Tammy. But it is hard because she has short brown hair and her face is soft and she smells like cocoa butter if that is even a thing.
Maybe you could play Yie Ar Kung-Fu instead of having sex. That is something I recommend doing, as long you are doing it without Tammy. Do not play Yie Ar Kung-Fu with Tammy. Do not do anything with Tammy. Not that I care. I do not care.
I will leave you with four Yie Ar Kung-Fu tips just in case you do get the chance to play the game. This way you will be prepared.
1) Buchu: Despite his ability to fly, Buchu is the easiest adversary to beat. He is a shirtless, overweight, balding man wearing white MC Hammer pants. It is clear Buchu had a very hard childhood. Remind him of this hard childhood because that will make him feel sad and distracted. Then low-kick him till he falls. Before you walk away, put your face up to the screen and whisper into his ear, “I never cared for you.” This will hurt him deeply and he can not even tell his parents about it because what do they care?
2) Club: Watch out for Club because he is very good at blocking your attacks. It is best to start the fight by backing into the corner, like you are about to be bullied in high school. When Club approaches, press away, and then up and punch right before he strikes you. Then yell at him because he took money from you in eleventh grade right in front of a girl you liked. The name of the girl is not important.
3) Fan: Do not fight Fan. Do not avoid her attacks. Do not touch her. Do not attempt conversation! This will only lead to sex, which will only lead to heartache. Transitive property: conversation will lead to heartache. Do not imagine Fan in your life. For instance, imagining yourself sitting with Fan at a card table playing Scattergories. Do not picture this Scattergories scenario. It is a dangerous scenario, one that could lead to a crowbar incident. Repeat after me: It is not okay to love someone outside of the platonic sense because that kind of love could lead to sex. It is not okay to love someone outside of the platonic sense because that kind of love could lead to sex.
Gene Albamonte graduated with an MFA in Creative Writing degree from the University of Central Florida. His fiction has appeared in LIT Magazine, The Rattling Wall, Southern Indiana Review, Ampersand, and other publications. He also wrote humorous essays for PANK Magazine’s blog, and these essays have been turned into a book called “Huckster: An Unnecessary Collection of Essays on the Advertising Industry.”