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Obit: Clementine Baxter

Katie Schwartz

o Name: Clementine Baxter
o Age: 45
o DOD: 5/18/14
o Obituary: After an acutely depressing and unfulfilling life, Clementine Baxter overdosed on diet pills before slitting her wrists and leaping off the Golden Gate Bridge to her demise.

Clementine was a receptionist for 20 years at Butters, Bean & Tapioca law firm in West Covina, California. Though described as a cold, antisocial person who loathed feathers, people and excessive perspiration, Mr. Butters fondly recalled Clementine’s scent, Cinnabon perfume. Mr. Tapioca said that he was thrilled to hear of her suicide because her knowledge of Wrongful Termination usurped his desire to fire her. Mr. Bean refused to comment for fear of being haunted by her. Friendless and without a partner, Clementine was survived by her parakeet, Chompers, until he was donated to a feline shelter at Clementine’s request, and promptly eaten.

 
 
 


Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer, producer and essayist, among other writerly things. She collects vintage tchotch, not bodies, which is surprising considering her obsession with death humor. You can catch her weekly column at Monkeybicycle and other print work on Huffington Post, Exquisite Corpse, or here. If you’re not bored to death, watch some of her produced work at FKR.TV, FunnyOrDie or on the YouTubes.